The Science Of Healing
by Forbiddensoul562
Summary: After Kurama’s death, Hiei forces himself to live in a world of guilt. But after a sudden plea comes from an unexpected person a new battle arises, the one that could either save Hiei or kill him, the battle to heal. Not yaoi!
1. With Another Day, It Starts Again

A/N: This story is dedicated to my friend Mia for her sudden loss. I originally wrote this in a notebook so I could see if it would be possible to actually complete a fanfiction in actual writing. But when Mia's loss happened and I watched what she went through I knew she deserved so much more than this world has been handing her. So, since I never do my part around her, this is kind of like my gift to her I suppose. It's kind of hard to explain sorry.

Summary: After Kurama's death, Hiei forces himself to live in a world of guilt. But after a sudden plea comes from an unexpected person a new battle arises, the one that could either save Hiei or kill him, the battle to heal. Not yaoi!

Title: The Science Of Healing

Chapter 1: With Another Day, It Starts Again

Hiei's P.O.V 

My hollow eyes slide open once more and again I find that my hellish nightmares are not restricted only to the confines of my unconscious mind.

I inhale a breath of the cool morning air and again the clutching pain on my heart returns as my mind travels back.

You always did love these kinds of mornings.

The mornings when the cold hung in the air and the plants were wet with dew, there was always silence during this time of day; you always said it was relaxing… I never understood what you meant until now.

Kurama… it's been two months since you've died… and it has truly been the hardest thing I've ever been through, sometimes I think it's someone's sick joke to keep me alive here without you.

Sure, I've tried suicide, I tried it a number of times, and every time I would just remember when I was hurt and you used to shake your head with a small smile gracing your lips.

And then you'd fix it… you'd make it all better with your gentle fingers and your smooth words.

I stand up from the spot on the ground where I had been sleeping and shake the specific thoughts from my head.

I begin to walk out of the gated area like I do every morning, with no destination in mind, my hands in my pockets and my gaze down. I simply can't look at these normal ningens, living in their normal ningen life… it disgusted me.

After you died, Kurama, everything went to pieces, everything you placed a hand on, with the perfection of your touch went to Hell.

Yusuke and Kuwabara refuse to have anything to do with me, they blame me for your death, though I can't say I blame them.

Koenma 'released' me from having to work with his spirit detective, I know it's because they don't want me around, it's the look in their eyes that conveys their true feelings.

Genkai and Yukina… I haven't even gone to see them since your funeral, I think it would be too much to bear if I had to see my little sister hate me because of what happened anyway.

But overall I think the thing that was hardest to watch dies was your family, fox, your step-father and brother moved out after Shiori became depressed, they left her alone in that apartment.

I used to go back to your room almost every night and sit on the windowsill just like it used to be. Except now you were not coming into the room with sweet snow… or sitting at your desk doing that ningen 'math'.

And this time I was not there because it gave me a peace of mind… no, now I was there trying to take in that wonderful rose aroma that used to surround your being and lock it in my memory.

Because now the thing I fear the most is losing you again.

But after awhile the aroma left… and it was replaced with an old, musty smell that gripped my very being tighter with every breath I took.

It couldn't be true fox.

I look up from my daze, I've been walking and letting my feet take me where they wanted, with my mind now one I wasn't trying to control.

I was at Yusuke and Kuwabara's school; but why of all places? Students were still outside the building; the school had not started yet.

I could feel Yusuke up on the room, preparing to skip class I'm sure.

I wonder if he senses me here at all. Knowing him probably not. But then, what else would he be thinking about?

Kurama, you told me that's what Yusuke usually does up there, he thinks, but what would it be about now?

I'm sure it's not about you, no… after two months everyone is beginning to move on. Why is it that I'm the one being left behind to live within the past?

Kurama, do you blame me for your death like they do? … Probably not. I begin walking again as the school bell chimes for their day to begin. You've never been one to hold a grudge, none that you've ever shown me anyway.

If you did blame me I hope I never have to know about it, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I knew you blamed me as well. Though I have to say, the curious part of me does want to know.

I remember the day that we lost you like it just happened, such a memory I cannot go a day without reliving.

We were on a case with the spirit detective, a demon was on a killing spree in the Ningenkai and we were to find and kill him, it would have been so easy had he not been such a high class demon.

Yusuke and Kuwabara took their attempt at weakening him while we fought off the weaker demons he had summoned. It seemed like any other case, when Yusuke and Kuwabara had had their turn it was finally ours.

Kurama, I chose you to be my fighting partner because you're more cutthroat in battle than I, whether it's easily shown or not. But also because you and I work so well together, I've never been able to understand how we do it, but we always did.

But this time, it was defiantly different.

I was thrown off the demon about ten feet away, I could have cleared that distance back to him easily, but just as I was about to, that's when everything slowed down and I watched as you were suddenly stabbed through the chest with his jagged blade.

I don't remember all of the fine details after this, I'm sure my mind wants to spare me of having to constantly relive the moments, but I'd rather torture myself with them.

I jumped back at the demon like I had originally planner on doing, I lodged my blade in his throat, my hands were bathed in his disgusting blood Kurama!

It was a sickening sight that I felt so much pleasure from!

Yusuke and Kuwabara went over to your fallen body and I made sure he was dead, I plead with you to understand kitsune!

I couldn't bear to look at your bloodied body, I couldn't, my Jagan allowed my ears to be filled with the sound of your slowing heart and I couldn't make it stop!

Until your heart finally stopped itself.

I remember stopping in place just as your heart did, still not facing you, it couldn't be true, it just couldn't, it wasn't fair!

And then I cried Kurama, for you! You didn't come back!

One black tear gem fell into my hand and that was all I would let fall. I hope you know that it was for you.

I slipped it into your hand at your funeral, it was an open casket and if it hadn't been for that tear gem I would never have been able to force myself to look upon your serene form.

You looked like you were sleeping, simply sleeping, somehow I forced myself to believe that as well while I was there.

After that, my life restarted itself into the living nightmare I'm locked in.

A/N: So that's the end of the first chapter. I hope this chapter was as sad as I really intended it to be, there will be more upsetting stuff later, promise.

PREVIEW: The next chapter is a flashback to when Hiei attends Kurama's funeral, and with Yusuke and Kuwabara having their hatred for him, there will defiantly be tension in the air.

Please review!

_-Forbiddensoul562_


	2. Your Empty Body

A/N: This is the only chapter that was not written in the first draft of this story, and the only reason that it's being done now is because I think it'll add a little bit of angst emotion to it. I haven't decided if I want to make another flashback chapter of when Kurama actually died or not. Please let me know if you want one or not.

Disclaimer: I do now own YYH, plain and simple. Please don't sue me for anything!

Chapter 2: The Only Thing That Separates Us, Is Your Empty Body

Flashback, Hiei's P.O.V

It hasn't been that long since you died Kurama, maybe about a week or so, I stopped counting nearly exactly after I started trying to.

But today's your funeral at last, it's the day they put you in the ground and bury you with all of our memories and our thoughts and everything else. I heard this is a formal occasion and for once they actually tell me to wear black.

Ningens can be so bipolar.

I don't have anything that nice, like you had, but I did have one slightly dressier outfit that I suppose would have to work, you bought it for me one day and told me that someday I would have to wear it.

I think when you told me that, you were talking about the day Yukina marries that baka, not when I attend your funeral.

Shiori already left the apartment so that she could be the first one there to greet everyone, so I was left with your empty home that holds so many memories within its walls.

As I look at myself in the mirror, into my hollowing crimson eyes I have to wonder exactly what you would tell me right now if you were here and we were attending someone else's funeral and not yours.

Let's say Yusuke, not because I hate him… just a random person

"Hiei you can't bring your katana to the funeral!" You would tell me, that's when I would glare at you from where I still stand at the mirror.

"Hn, I'm not going unprotected to a place where Kuwabara is, you know his hatred for me."

That's when you would shake your head and stand up from where you had been sitting at your desk and then walk over to me and begin trying to fix my tie. "What's this, are you saying you couldn't beat Kuwabara without your sword?"

Once again I would glare at you and swipe your hands away, "of course not baka!" You would just smile that bright smile that I miss so much.

But this is reality! If I'm going to keep myself from following you into death too soon then I need to cease these thoughts.

But what more can I do, I can't get your out of my mind.

I sigh heavily, looking once more at myself and deciding that my black attire would be fine, I know you wouldn't mind it, you're the one who bought it, so what do I care what anyone else says or thinks?

- [1

The beginning part of this funeral was to be held in a quiet church; at least they got this part right, this is what you would have wanted.

Upon entering, the feeling within the room did not match the look of it at all.

The room was nearly a perfect square with the whole building being made of stone, on the parallel walls that were perpendicular to the entrance wall were large windows that allowed the sunlight from outside to filter inside.

But the people were all dressed in black and many of them with their handkerchiefs doting their eyes lightly.

If this had been Yusuke's funeral and you were here beside me, Kurama, would you have cried? Would you have cried if it was I in that casket nearly straight across from me and not you?

Please tell me so I can get any idea of what you want and I can make it a reality.

When I entered I was nearly instantly greeted by Shiori, I could see the tears that were threatening to fall from her eyes once again, I don't know why she fights them, she has so much reason to cry.

She will never know the real reason why her oldest son died and she will always be filled with this lie you so delicately constructed for her.

"And you are?" She asked me so kindly, I really don't deserve it fox.

"Hiei." I answered, looking at her out of the corner of my eye.

She smiled lightly and I was glad, I felt, if anything, than maybe I had done something right today. "It's so good to finally meet you Hiei, Suichi used to talk about you frequently."

I glared ahead of me towards where you lie, how dare you, traitor! Why wouldn't you tell me that you had been telling your ningen mother about me? I need to know what story you made baka kitsune!

I only nodded towards her, "I'm sorry for your loss." And I'm sorry that everyone who really knew Kurama has to lie to you, and I'm sorry that you never got to meet the real Kurama, and mostly, I'm sorry I'm the reason he's gone.

We watched each other for only a moment more before her attention was turned to more people who had come.

I walked away and quickly looked over the room to see who was here. I instantly found Yusuke, and Kuwabara who quickly met my eyes. So at least he knew I was here, so why are they letting me in here so easily?

I was sure after the fight that Yusuke and I had had in the Rekai not long ago they'd never want to be in the same room with me again.

Then I found Koenma and Botan, Koenma of course in his human form and Botan by his side.

Then Genkai and Yukina on the other side of the room, Kurama I hope I never have to see this again, black on my sister and sorrow in the eyes we share really does not suit her.

I then made my way to the open coffin since no one else seemed to be around and I knew that soon they would have the head of the church begin to speak, and then I would never get my chance.

Upon reaching you, the sight clenched my heart till the blood within it seeped through, and yet part of me was disappointed at the same time.

I had always imagined that you would be buried with flowers everywhere and yet there was none, and where was your rose? They hadn't even had the courtesy and respect to place it in your hand, or even in your hair where it could be visible.

They have everything so wrong Kurama, and I can say nothing against it because it's really not my place, I was surprised that they even let me decide what saying should go on your stone.

I exhale my breath and take the precious tear gem I cried for you from my pocket then move my eyes back to your still form.

There've been so many nights where I stayed in your room and watched you calmly sleep, I really wanted to wake you because I needed to talk, but I didn't because you looked so unnaturally serene.

You looked nearly the same now except your skin doesn't hold the color that it used to, and when I moved you hand so I could slip the tear gem inside of it, the ice cold of your skin was enough to shoot me back into the reality of the situation.

The situation being that the only thing really separating us; was your empty body.

"I want you to tell me this isn't happening Kurama." I told you barely able to face you now. "If you want to live so much," (I knew you would always favor life over death) "then come back and tell me this isn't happening!"

I didn't get any response, so maybe I was wrong, maybe he did favor death.

I closed my eyes, "hn, I really am a fool you know." I waited just long enough for you to answer, 'why do you say that?' Like I know you would have.

"I'm talking to you and yet I know I'm not going to get a response."

And then you would have told me, 'that doesn't make you a fool Hiei.'

"Ne, but the fact that I'm starting to think this is all a sick joke or some kind of stupid test that I'm inevitably going to fail, does."

Then you would sigh, 'even that does not make you a fool.'

And I would shrug, because I don't have a comment to come back with. I have to force myself to turn away from you or else I'll start tearing up like every other person in this room.

Overall I think I was the one who knew you the best out of everyone here, and I can only hope I did because you knew me best. And yet while everyone else is being emotional I can't even let myself shed one.

I walk over to one of the long benches and sit down, maybe it is that I just can't let myself become emotional.

"Why are you here?" Yusuke's voice knocks me from my thought, I turn and look back, he's sitting in the bench row right behind mine.

"Kurama was my friend baka." I told him with blank eyes, the last thing I need is for him to see my weaknesses in the same way you did.

"Must not have been that much of one."

I glared at him, "go away detective."

"Why." He asked simply, I glared harder at him and my hand began inching towards my katana. See Kurama, this is why I bring it with me.

"Because I don't want to deal with you today!" I tried to keep myself from shouting, being able to feel his ki was more of the detective than I wanted to be around, having to smell him and the radiating hate was a thousand times worse.

"Someone's a little temperamental."

I turned away from him, "hn, I wonder why."

He leaned forward till he was resting against the back of my wooden bench, "look just because your killed your best friend doesn't mean you have the right to take it out on everyone else."

I swear to the gods Kurama, if this had been anyone else's funeral I would have killed Yusuke right here and not have thought twice about it! But I held myself back today, once I left, if he messed with me, then I would kill him.

"If you know what's good for you detective you'll leave." I saw him smirk and lean back as everyone began to take their seat for the man to speak.

-

When the man was done and everyone had had their chance to speak they carried you out of the church to the hearse that would take you to the cemetery.

I had to look away when they did that part, it made you seem more like an object, but maybe that's just me.

As we walked out of the church I reminisced about what we were coming out of, the man didn't talk about you much, maybe five minutes of the twenty, the rest was just about how everyone finds their way to the afterlife and to the right place.

I swear I saw Koenma smile when he talked about how the gods judged each soul individually and correctly.

Then people were allowed to speak, your mother spoke first of course, then Yusuke, which I tried to tune out and then Kuwabara, Shiori said they were the people who were closest to Kurama (without using your real name of course.)

And when did I get to speak and tell everyone what I thought about you? I didn't, they didn't even call me.

I don't know if I mind, there are so many things I wish I could have told you and right then could have been my last chance, but in all honesty we both know I'm not a talker like everyone else, I don't even know what I would have said.

We then went to where your grave would be and it was much of the same thing, only the old man was the only person who was able to speak. I looked on with emotionless, unfocused eyes.

I wasn't listening; his words were a simple hum in my ears, I watched as they lowered the casket inside.

And then the man told us to come forward and this time I forced myself to go, the other three people called were your friends and Shiori.

"You will take a hand full of dirt and be the first to throw it in, with it you will send your sadness and all of your regrets that involved Suichi. This will allow you to have a clean start just like he would have wanted."

Another part they got right, you would never want us to carry these sorrows with us.

One by one each person took their handful and looked down into the dark hole then threw their dirt. It was Shiori who I knew would suffer with this despite having done the act.

Finally it was my turn, I was the last person, I took my hand full and stood over the dark hole, staring down at your closed casket.

I began to think about everything we've been through, you were the first person I put my whole trust into, and the first person I told every secret I had, to.

I thought about how much you've helped me over these years, if it weren't for you, you would be the one following me into death, not the other way around. You were the one who set me straight up until now; and then I did this to you.

And then I thought about all of the words that will go unsaid between us, all the nights that we will no longer share, telling stories, and sharing secrets from our pasts.

And all the thoughts I had second-guessed and never told you, the ones I desperately wish you would have heard.

I walked away from the hole, the dirt still firmly in my hand.

End Flashback 

A/N: Aw how sad, poor Hiei I feel so bad for him. I'm the author so I don't think I'm allowed to feel bad for him, since I'm the one forcing him into this. Whatever there's more of that to come. And I would like to add a flashback chapter to when Kurama actually died, but that's only if I get enough reviews saying they want one.

[1: I've never actually attended a funeral so I have no idea what really happens, this is just the summary that I had to go by from what I've seen on TV over the years, so if it's not right please understand!

PREVIEW: The flashback has ended and we're back with Hiei in the present day afternoon, and then suddenly a meeting with Yusuke ensures a path that Hiei can't turn away from.

Please Review your thoughts!

_-Forbiddensoul562_


	3. Burning Tears

A/N: I guess this is kind of important. I decided to have this story set in Hiei's P.O.V and have it like he's talking to Kurama or telling it to Kurama, whichever one makes more sense because I thought it might have more of an effect on the story. The only reason I say this is because later on it'll change up and I'll explain why in those chapters.

Disclaimer: I do not own YYH or any other thing I may use that's already owned and I didn't realize I'm using.

Chapter 3: Burning Tears

(If you haven't read the author's note please do!)

Hiei's P.O.V

It was not later in the afternoon, I had been traveling around the city in a dazed state for the hours. But now I was in the park and fighting the old memories of you and I coming here and talking.

My eyes come back into focus ahead of me as I suddenly pick up a familiar ki. It's Yusuke. He's still carrying his school bag, so more than likely he's heading home.

The look in his brown eyes is blank, he never moves them and looks past me as if I wasn't even there. We walked right past each other in the same manor, but he stopped after and I was quick to follow.

I was guilty of allowing my curiosity to get the better of me, after nearly two months of near silence I was anxious to hear what the spirit detective had to say.

"How are you Hiei?" I was caught off guard by his even daring to care.

I shrugged though knew he couldn't see it. "I'm still here." But just barely.

"It's been awhile."

"Hn, I'm sure you could've made it longer." This would be the part, kitsune, where you would say, 'Hiei' in a soft but scolding manor, I say 'hn,' and look away as you begin to engage Yusuke in a conversation.

But now, that wasn't going to happen so I had to do it myself.

"How are you doing?" He asked again

"Baka, haven't we already been over this?" I could feel Yusuke growing even more agitated. "You know what I mean Hiei." I smirk but decided to not add in another smart comment. "Fine."

"Of course you are, you wouldn't hold any guilt or sorrow about this, y-."

"If you want to keep your tongue, detective, I suggest you learn to hold it."

Yusuke was silent for a moment. "You know Shiori still isn't okay." He stated, why was he telling me? Though I did want to ask him how Yukina was, how she had dealt with this, and if she had accepted it and moved on.

"Why are you telling me this?"

Yusuke shrugged and exhaled his breath. "I figured you'd want to know how you've affected everyone else, even now."

I squeezed my eyes shut. This is the part where you would either quietly, or telepathically speak to me and tell me to calm down. I never did this part very well.

"Shut up!" I growled, suddenly turning to him, he did the same, still he held a blank stare. "You killed him Hiei, of all people I would have never guessed… your own best friend."

I didn't! I know I didn't, I just didn't get there in time. "I think you owe Shiori at least one visit." Yusuke turned and began away.

I was unable to move for a long moment, my heart, filled with my emotions was lodged in my throat. I moved suddenly, faster than ningen eyes could follow, all the way back to where I resided every night; your grave.

After you were buried I decided that I needed to stay here and protect this spot with my life seeing as I hadn't done enough when you were alive.

I collapsed to my knees and let three tears fall from my eyes, "please Kurama you can't blame me for this do you?" I hope to the gods not.

I stare down at the three black gems, I took them into my hand and suddenly transmitted heat into them until they grew bright orange and suddenly disappeared with a small explosion that had happened to fast to be seen.

I sighed, trying to control myself, I had grown tired of burning my tears a long time ago.

I sat there staring at my empty hand for a long time, there's no way I could ever heal from this Kurama, but there's no way I can live with this forever either.

"So now what?" I suddenly shouted at the white stone.

It has your name engraved into it, your human and your demon one and underneath it, it says, 'it is never too late to change the way you live, no matter how many scars you hold.' The scars part was mine, the rest were your words, kitsune, just reworded.

I guess when we were having your tombstone made, the group decided that they would let me have that little part added on, why though I never figured out.

"Tell me!" I shouted, a light breeze blew through the cemetery, nothing else. "What do I do?" I closed my eyes and let my head fall.

I suppose I do owe it to both of you to go see Shiori, I haven't seen her since the funeral and even then I barely spoke to her, I hardly spoke to anyone now that I think about it.

"What if I'm making a mistake fox?" I asked in a quiet voice. "What if Yusuke, or any of them told Shiori that I was the one who killed you?" I suddenly sat back and chuckled lightly with my eyes closed.

"Look at me now fox, have you ever seen a more pathetic sight, look at what you've don't to me. I never was a 'what if' person until you left."

I gave a small smile, left… it was such an easy word to say, died was much harder, it confirmed that you're really gone; and I can't accept that yet.

In my mind I still think you're going to walk up behind me, and ask what I'm doing, and I'd look at you blankly for a long moment before admitting that I don't know.

But you haven't done that yet, so I guess I have to go see Shiori.

-

A while later I stood at your home's front door thinking about all the times you acted like it annoyed you when I came to your window in the late evening, but I know you would've had it no other way.

I knocked lightly at the door and waited, the last thoughts of why I shouldn't be doing this ran through my head but I ignored them.

Finally the door opened and Shiori looked at me, confused.

Fox, I can honestly say I didn't think a ningen could get as skinny as her. The bones in her face were more prominent than ever with no color to show any life in her at all.

"Hello." That sounded too formal, but what can I say kitsune, I'm nervous, and I've never been as good at composing my words as you were. "I… was a friend of Suichi's." I stated.

Shiori's confusion left and was replaced with sorrow, "Suichi…" Her eyes were unfocused for a moment. "Were you at the funeral? I'm sorry but I don't remember." I nodded and was thankful that she didn't remember me, she let me into your home.

Everything was the same as ever, I think Shiori just doesn't want to let any memory of you go.

"Why are you here, now?" She asked, leaning against the wall with downcast eyes.

"I never gave you my condolences at the funeral." I lied.

She cracked a small smile, "I'm sorry I didn't catch your name."

"The because I didn't give it." I could see you now just glaring hard at me. "It's not important." If the group dared to tell Shiori that I was the one who killed her son, I wouldn't want her to be able to put a name with a face.

"Can I see his room?" I asked and she nodded. I led the way to your room, Shiori stopped outside while I went inside and was suddenly engulfed in that musty smell.

I looked around, everything was the same as the last time I had been here. I stood in the middle of your room for what felt like a lifetime.

The memories of us spending countless nights in here, talking and sometimes just sitting in silence passed before my eyes again and sent shivers of a sorrowed emotion I couldn't explain down my spine.

"It was so sudden." Came Shiori's voice from the doorway. "Suichi's passing." I looked back at her, then spotted something on the desk.

The rose you always used for your attacks!

It was sitting in a dusty vase with a little water. I remembered how the group had forgotten to put it with you in your coffin, maybe they had left it just for Shiori. But even still it did not deserve to be here in this house with her, it deserved to be with him.

I made a note to steal it when I left, I doubt Shiori would notice it's disappearance of all things.

"But his group of friends seem to be moving on now." She went on to explain. "They used to come and visit quite frequently, but now its slowly starting becoming less and less. Every once and awhile someone comes and visits."

Her smile said that that was probably the time that made her the happiest, in the least it was the time she looked forward to the most.

"Maybe you should move on as well." She shook her head and touched the white walls gently.

"I don't think it's possible to move on from the passing of a child. It just seems like he's still here with us even now."

I nodded, "I know," all too well.

After that I left, if I stayed in your house any longer, fox, I would've lost control of my emotions.

When I returned to your grave that evening there were flowers, red roses, in the flower holders attached to your tombstone. I sat back and leaned against the stone, twirling your rose in my fingers and looking at the ones brought.

"Who came by Kurama?" I asked, "who would care enough? Shiori says everyone is moving on, so who would come and bring roses for you?"

I sighed, after placing your rose on the ground beside me I fell asleep with that last question in mind, I was consumed in a more tormenting dream than my usual nightmares that night.

A/N: That was a good chapter! I really don't know what more to say about it.

PREVIEW: We get a look into this strange, tormenting dream that might just be more than anything Hiei could have ever… well… dreamed.

Please review!

_-Forbiddensoul562_


	4. At Long Last

A/N: Okay now the story has been set where it sounds like Hiei is talking to or telling all of this to Kurama (he's really not though). But for this and two other chapters it's going to be normal style explanations, but still in Hiei's view. This is only because if I don't do it this way I'm afraid it'll get too confusing if I don't do it this way.

Disclaimer: I definitely do not own YYH, so you defiantly should not sue me.

Chapter 4: At Long Last  
(Once again please read the A/N before continuing on!)

Hiei's P.O.V

I found myself transported to Kurama's room, but it was not musty smelling, or dusty, it looked like the fox inhabited it again.

I was seated on his bed, it was night outside his window and a downpour of rain fell on the home. Suddenly, my eyes shot to the door that opened and the fox walked in.

In the beginning my breath would catch when I saw Kurama in my dreams, I'd heard Yusuke's stories of when he died and went into Keiko's dreams, and for a long time I would enter into my dreams thinking that that was what was happening.

But after awhile of the kitsune accusing me and doing so many horrible things to me I finally taught myself how to try and ignore it and keep in mind that the Kurama I knew probably wouldn't do that to me.

This Kurama looked at me, his emerald eyes vibrant and so full of life; but also so full of sorrow.

"Hiei." He said my name so tenderly. "It's been a good while."

"Only since last night." He looked confused for only a second before it faded into a smile, it would have looked exactly like the one he would give when he was alive had it not been for those eyes.

"Your defenses are up, I've forgotten."

"Hn, no kidding."

Kurama didn't seem fazed, he walked over to where I was and suddenly supped my face in his cold hands. I was taken by surprised, my eyes widened.

"I need you to put your defenses down for right now, I don't have much time." I decided to give it a shot, but I didn't make any movements and I was still tense.

I waited for him to strike me for anything… but it never came, he just sighed heavily and looked into my eyes.

"Hiei, what do I have to do to convince you that I'm not going to hurt you? We've done this once before, quite awhile ago."

I remembered, when I'd first met the kitsune, I refused to let him help heal me because I thought he'd hurt me; he'd asked me that same question. [1

It was then that I knew this was not a sick nightmare, none of the other visions I'd seen had ever made direct reference to a memory we'd both shared.

"Kurama…" He smiled bigger and let me go, but I wanted more, so much more; I held myself back, I could see the urgency in his eyes.

"Good." Was all he said, I couldn't find the words to say anything back. His green eyes were as bright as I remembered.

As a loud clap of thunder came from outside I finally found my voice. "Why is this happening?" I asked.

"Well I figured this is where we've always communicated the best." I was surprised at the way he was able to understand my question, on second thought this was the fox we're talking about, of course he understands.

"Communicated." I repeated; he wanted to communicate?

He nodded and sat on the chair at his desk. "Yes, I need to talk to you." I anxiously waited quietly. "I need you to heal, Hiei."

I couldn't believe he had just said that! "As hard as I know it'll be I need you to." Needed me to?

"Kurama how can you ask me that?" I asked angrily. He sighed and I suddenly felt guilty. First I kill him and now I shoot back his pleads when he tries to help me.

I couldn't be a worse friend to him even if I tried.

I can suddenly feel my emotions welling up in my throat, chocking me and I can't swallow them down. "I've watched you since the beginning," he told me, "and every day you seem to die a little more."

I scoffed at him, "you should take a trip down to your home." I said nearly under my breath and looking away. I had no idea why I was being so resistant to him. Even when he was alive I wasn't this barricaded around him.

"I have and I've seen my mother dying as well… but slowly she will heal, I know it, but you won't, I know that too. But you must." He was pleading to me… and still I felt I couldn't give him what he wanted.

"Have you seen the hell Yusuke and everyone else gives me, how Kurama, tell me, how can you not just let me die!"

"Because I'd never forgive myself if I let you!" The room died down into silence, I hate myself for letting him speak those word, his head looked away from me.

In all the years that I've known the redheaded kitsune he's always turned away from me when he was upset, but I'd never seen him shed a tear; tonight could not be the night I see him cry; and it would not be about me that forced him to it.

I desperately wished I could see what he was thinking, but I held back the urge to use the Jagan eye.

"Kurama."

"I've seen it and I'm sorry." He finally said, he slowly looked back at me. "But since I died you've refused to stay anywhere but my grave, you've tried to kill yourself more times than I want to even think about and you haven't even seen Yukina since then."

I looked at the black window, "how can I?" I asked, "I wouldn't be able to stand seeing her angry at me before she knows who I am."

"What makes you think she's be mad at you? Yukina isn't one for anger Hiei and you know that." I glared at him, "neither are you but…" I stopped myself.

"But what?"

I shook my head, I was thinking about how angry he must be for what I'd done two months ago, and for everything else he's probably seen up until now, he was holding it all back exceptionally well.

"What are you suggesting?" I asked in order to change the subject.

"Are you going to attempt it?"

"Hn, we'll see."

He smiled, "that's the Hiei I like to hear, go back to the temple and talk to Yukina." The idea defiantly sounded like the kitsune's, and even though I didn't like it I kept myself quiet so he could finish.

"Tell her anything that's on your mind, and tell her not to tell the group. After awhile of this you'll be able to heal."

"How do you get that?"

"Because she'll give you the right comments you need."

I smirked, "I doubt that, you're the only who's ever been able to get inside my head and give me those right comments."

He met my smirk, "do you doubt the words that would come from your own sister?" He had a point. I didn't answer the question, he already knew what the answer would have been.

"Would you be watching?" He smiled, "not if you don't want me to." And I knew he would hold true to his word. "Good." Was all I could say.

He stood up. "You have to go Hiei, it's nearly mid-afternoon." I looked confused then remembered the kitsune's rose! He should be the one to have it!

"I have something for you!" I said suddenly and began looking through all my pockets, where had I put it? He deserved to have it, even in death, not I!

… And then I remembered putting it down on the ground, my heart dropped. I couldn't even keep hold of such precious things, another reason why I'm a horrible friend to him.

I stopped and sighed; 'of course' I thought quietly. "Hiei?" He must have seen the disappointment on my face. "Never mind, when'll this happen again?" I asked.

He shrugged, "focus on healing right now Hiei, that's all."

"Hn." I suddenly thought of asking him is he blamed me for his death. When I looked back at him he smiled and I felt myself being drawn away.

"Kurama!" My world was suddenly filled with blackness.

A/N: Okay so that was a shorter chapter than the last one, and the one before. Oh! IMPORTANT NOTE! I don't want any reviews that say 'that's not what happened when Yusuke went into Keiko's dream!' Trust me I know that's not how it happened but I don't own the DVD that has that part in it, nor do I have the means to watch it so I had to use what I remembered from YEARS ago.

[1: Yes I understand that this isn't how it happened in the book, but for this story I had to make it seem like that so please dont send me any reviews that say that.

PREVIEW: So, does Hiei decide to go see Yukina like Kurama wanted? And if he does what things will she tell her and will he reveal to her?

Please review.

_-Forbiddensoul562_


	5. First Visit Expressions

A/N: You know what I think? I think Fanfiction should have a convention somewhere for each individual category, like one for YYH itself. And all the writers would come and wear those stickers that says, 'hi my name is:' And we'd write our screen name! I think that'd be awesome! I'd be the first to sign up to go!

Disclaimer: I do not own YYH, but I do own this story idea, at least I hope I do.

Chapter 5: First Visit Expressions

Hiei's P.O.V

My eyes snapped open, it was mid-afternoon, just like you had said.

I looked over my shoulder at your tombstone, "well?" I asked. "You've been watching me fox, are you right now?" I wonder if you can hear my thoughts as well, if so then no where is safe to speak my doubts, or even think anything really.

I sigh, beginning to wonder about what you told me last night. Should I really trust my sister with the thoughts about you that are killing me?

'_I'd never forgive myself if I let you!'_ Had been what you'd said about just letting me die. But why? If it's my fault that you're dead shouldn't I deserve everything that I'm getting?

Maybe I'll just see her once… just to see what she has to say, if she gets angry then it'll be no less then what I deserve. I stood up, taking your rose with me, the thing I'd meant to give you last night.

I sighed to myself and began making my way to the temple.

-

I stood at the front of the temple, Yukina's the only one there from what I can feel.. I gave a heavy sigh, there could be so many outcomes from these actions, Kurama, how am I supposed to go in not knowing which one it will be?

Knowing you fox, I'm sure you already knew I'd be thinking these thoughts and I bet you already knew my curiosity would get the best of me.

I turn back and head to the closed entrance door.

After knocking lightly I stood back and feel myself growing nervous, why… I'm not sure, Yukina is my sister, I should be able to talk to her I guess.

The door slid open and said Koorime appeared; I suddenly became overjoyed. "Hiei!" She said happily. "It's been so long, I though you'd never come back to visit."

Maybe she saw something in my eyes (the ones we shared), because her smile fall and she suddenly looked worried. "Are you okay?"

No, no I'm not okay. That's what I wanted to tell her Kurama, and as I looked into her eyes I knew that there would be no talking my way out of this.

I'm sure you knew this to.

"I just wanted to talk to you."

She nodded, "do you want to come inside?" She moved out of the way to let me enter, but I stayed in place.

"No, out here will be fine, if you don't mind." I seemed to always crack when I'm around her, why is that kitsune?

She nodded and stepped out, closing the door behind her. We went over to a shaded area under a tree near the main house and sat down, a gentle breeze blew by, shaking the leaves of the trees.

This is another type of day that you would have liked Kurama, one with no sounds from the city to annoy one's ears and the lush green all around which made you feel so alive.

I remember spending these kinds of days with you. When you originally explained why you liked them I figured it was a time that you would have wanted to spend alone, but every time a day like this came up you always invited me to spend it with you.

I never understood why, but I always went with you, because we never did much of anything and the silence was broken by words that only you and I understood.

You know Kurama, the more I think about it, you usually did keep someone around you at all times when you could… why is that kitsune?

"Hiei?" Yukina's words cut through my thought, "nani?" I hadn't heard the original question.

"I wanted to know what you wanted to talk about." I looked away, first thing's first, "when's the last time the team's been here?"

"Yusuke came a couple of days ago, Kazuma came last week."

I sighed, "neither of them can know of what we speak."

She nodded, "of course." I exhaled a breath, "is this about Kurama?" She asked before I could even speak, I nodded.

"I thought so. Yusuke and Kazuma have spoken about it since it happened, but I knew that you'd be the one affected the most." I gave her a wondering look.

"You've always known Kurama better than anyone here did, of course you were affected most." She looked down, "I wanted to know how you were doing Hiei, but you never came here."

She turned and smiled, "I thought you might be at Kurama's grave, I went there yesterday to see you but you weren't there, but I put some roses in his flower holder though."

So she's the one who came.

"I couldn't come here." I finally told her.

"Why?"

"If the team's here, I can't be here."

Her confused look only deepened, "why?" I wondered if they had told Yukina what had really happened… I wonder how she took it. I doubt it would have brought her to tears, but then again this is my sister.

"Did they tell you what happened?" She looked away but nodded slowly, I could see the pain in her crimson eyes.

I hate you for making me do this.

"Then I'm sure you know it's my fault the fox left." Once again that word 'left' that makes it so much easier to deal with.

She looked at me confused for a moment, "I don't think that's the case. I don't think it was your fault." My eyes narrowed on her, how did she not see that it was all because of me?

She continued before I could speak, "I think they just needed something to blame for it."

"So then me blaming myself would make it right." Because I need that thing to blame and I was the cause… how am I not at fault fox?

"No, because all of you see it a certain way doesn't mean that's why you should get the blame." I can see that she's stuck on the fact that I'm not at fault but she was running thin on things to back it up.

I sighed and tried to let that drop. "What else would it be?" I asked failing in my attempts.

I saw her trying desperately to comfort me with her eyes. "Because you were frozen in place, that doesn't mean anything. They would have done the same thing had they been in your place."

I nodded and sat back against the tree we were under.

"You think about him a lot, don't you Hiei?" My eyes remained closed and I nodded, if a day went by where I didn't think about you, kitsune, I'd feel so much worse, "all the time."

She was quiet for another moment, I opened my eyes to watch her, she looked down at the grass with her calm crimson eyes. "What are you thinking Hiei?" She asked, her voice said that she was hesitant about even asking.

"About Kurama." She looked at me now, I met her eyes for a brief moment then looked away, fearing that I may get trapped in her gaze as I used to do with your emerald green eyes.

You never noticed how I normally escaped your glance whenever possible, if you did you never said anything about it.

I always felt that if I let my guard down and let myself be entranced by you that I could finally break and spill everything and anything I could; and I felt like that with Yukina as well.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." She said, and I said nothing, much like you there was little that I wouldn't tell her; all she had to do was ask.

"I'm remembering back when him and I used to sit out on days like this in silence." There was no emotion in my eyes as she watched me, but underneath it there was sadness and it pulled at my being.

Kurama you'd always be the only one able to see past my emotionless gaze, and I've never figured out how you did it but you were the only one who committed enough time and patience to learning your… why don't we call it a skill.

"And wondering what he would tell me if he saw me like I am today."

"I suppose you wouldn't tell me how you're seeing yourself now?"

I shook my head, "never." I would never let her feel bad about my own failure.

-

Later that night I returned to your grave just as it got dark and the world was beginning to get colder.

Kurama… today wasn't so bad, though I won't go as far as to say that it didn't feel bad seeing the varied looks on her face. The smile at the end, when I left and she thanked me for coming and talking with her made it all nearly worth it.

She asked me to come back tomorrow but I haven't decided if I'm going to go or not. I know you want me to so I'll keep that in mind when I think about it.

But for right now the sleep is pulling at my eyes and I've never won the battle with them.

A/N: So that was the first visit and I think it turned out pretty well, and hey we finally found out who cared enough to place roses at Kurama's grave! Yeah I don't have much to say, can you tell?

PREVIEW: Hiei finally decides to go back to see Yukina, but is suddenly forced to deal with the changes he's being left out of.

Please review!

_-Forbiddensoul562_


	6. Second Visit Changes

A/N: So this is the sixth chapter and I've decided that I may want to do a sequel type thing with this story, it would basically be the same thing as this one only it'd be from Kurama's P.O.V. So please tell me what you think about the idea, any suggestions, comments, questions. I'll mention it again at the bottom Authors Note.

Disclaimer: I do not own YYH or any other thing that I may accidentally use and not even know I'm using it.

Chapter 6: Second Visit Changes

Hiei's P.O.V

Must you always get what you want fox?

I returned to her the next day and sat inside at the small table, she was displeased to know that it'd been nearly a week since I'd eaten. The urge to eat just never struck me anymore, it's become more of a chore than anything now.

She still felt compelled to fix something. She returned after being gone for only a small amount of time, she put a bowl of what looked to be the ningen food you had called 'soup' in front of me.

"Thanks." I said before beginning to eat it.

I could feel her watching me with those sad crimson eyes that mirrored mine.

After eating only a little bit of it I finally looked up into the eyes. I felt horrible for just taking the food, I put the spoon aside and slid back, still watching her, to see what she'd do.

Her actions never fail to surprise me, we're twins and yet she always does the opposite of what I would have thought.

Her sad eyes only deepened. "Do you not like it?" She asked. "I can fix you something else, just tell me, anything and I'll make it." Her eyes closed and she looked away, finally an action I had figured!

"I just want you to get better." I knew what she meant, not starve and to even survive.

"Stop." I told her. "It's fine, I just don't feel like eating." She starred blankly, if I had let her go on her emotions would have gotten the better of her and I could not stand to see her cry.

"Let's go talk." That is what I came here for, but only to please you.

She nodded lightly and we left from the temple building out to the tree that we had been sitting under the day before.

We were quiet for only a moment before she started, "are you thinking about Kurama?" She asked.

"Of course."

"What of today?" She asked.

I shrugged, "just him, wondering where we'd be right now if I hadn't let him go." By the smile that suddenly graced her features I knew she wasn't going to argue with me about my accusation.

"You know where I think you'd be?" I looked over at her in question, waiting. "I think you and him, along with everyone else, would be out on a mission doing what you enjoyed." I grinned for an instant, she did have a point, I could see that.

But I didn't want to shoot it down by asking who had said that we enjoyed doing what we had? I know you had liked it Kurama, but you also know that I didn't exactly favor it over my freedom.

I nodded, "Hai, I see that. The kitsune enjoyed the work." I told her.

She didn't comment, "what did you two talk about Hiei?" I looked confused. "Yusuke told me that you used to go to him to talk, what of?" Damn the detective and his stupid involvement!

"That's a secret." I stated. I had promised never to reveal what we'd spoken of and I would take it with me to the grave.

As much as I did enjoy our old talks and as much as I did miss them, I wondered what it would be like if we had one again now. Would it… could it be the same?

With me on the defense, thinking that like so many other nights you would just fade away into black, could it really be the same?

"But a variety of things, the team, missions, dreams, pasts, everything."

She smiled, "I'm sure you miss that."

"Hn, I'll never have that trust with any other being." Kurama you were the only one who ever saw me with my defenses completely down and I swear you will always be that only one.

"So then, how are you going to heal from this?" It was a good question but one to which I had no answer that I was completely confident about.

"These talks should help." I stated with a light sigh, I'm not sure I believe your confidence in this method of healing but I've tried to never deny you of anything and I'm not going to start doing so now.

"Would you like me to talk about him then?" She asked so innocently, and I instantly wanted to tell her no! And then I wanted to leave and not have to come back here until I was ready; not when you asked me to.

But I told her yes for your sake and let out a sigh. Am I really doing this to make me happy, Kurama? Or am I doing it for you alone, because I know I probably owe you this and so much more?

Yukina was quiet for a moment, probably looking for something to talk about. She was always so immaculate, almost as much as you were.

I can't tell you how many times I've watched her and wondered if she was really my sister, or if I had made some kind of mistake, there was no way of being who was so pure and so opposite to me could be my own flesh and blood.

It just never felt completely right in my mind.

"What did you like best about him, Hiei?" She finally asked. I had to think about it for a while to pick just one thing, I don't think there was anything about you that I didn't like, fox.

"I've… always envied his personality." She looked at me confused and I didn't blame her. You knew her just as well as I did, I always told you everything I knew at some point, but I don't think she ever got to know you like everyone else did.

"Kurama always somehow knew exactly what I was thinking and saying. And he's always been good at speaking his mind and manipulating his enemies with his words."

I closed my eyes and grinned, "I sometimes wish I had that, instead I have to rely on strength alone." I inwardly grimaced, that was crossing into the lines that I would only tell you.

I opened my eyes and found her watching me. I felt uncomfortable, I've never known exactly what to say, what was your thing, and now is when your beautiful voice would cut through the silence as you elaborate on what I'd said.

I don't know how you always managed to say exactly what was on my mind without me having to telepathically tell you, but you did.

"I would think your strength would be enough, you sure make it seem like that." I nodded, I had no comment on that really, I loved the way you threw daggers with words.

"Strength isn't always everything." She shrugged at my comment I wasn't sure I believed, I listened to it again in my head, I never would have thought I would be the one to say that!

"Neither are looks but you sure send that promise of death with one wrong glance." She had that part right but honestly I don't know what it is that makes people see that, it can't be all my eyes because she has the same eyes as me and all I see in them is innocence.

I nodded though despite my thoughts, "I always liked how Kurama was the only one who could see behind them." I stated, "if he didn't I would have gone insane from not being heard."

She watched me and I knew exactly what she was going to ask: "then what about right now when…" She trailed off and I shrugged. I wouldn't tell her that I'd tried to end it all because of what I'd done and because of being locked with my own thoughts.

I hate you for leaving me with them.

"It's been… different, but I manage." I can't believe I'd lie to her! "Well… you know you could tell me anything you wanted." When I looked at her I saw the doubt in her features; she didn't believe that I'd do it, which is good I'd hate to let her get her hopes up.

"I can't do that, I won't put my despair on another person again." Her look never changed, her hands fiddled with the material of her kimono. "You did that with Kurama."

I nodded at her statement, she understood that it was all a trust thing that only we'd developed over the years.

I wish you were here Kurama, so I could look over into your emerald eyes in a plead for you to take over the conversation, a look that only you would understand.

Suddenly my body went rigid and my eyes widened only a fraction as they moved over to the entrance stairs of the temple, I felt him; my eyes narrowed when I did.

Yukina felt it also and her eyes followed to where mine were locked, hers were softer now and not as serious as a moment ago.

We both sensed him, the idiot, Kuwabara nearly halfway up the stairs and his pace slower than normal. Yukina sighed heavily, "he's so sad, I can see it in his actions." I looked at her, he would pay if I found out he was making my sister unhappy.

"He asked me if I would marry him." I had to catch myself from chocking on the air I had suddenly took in.

"And?" I tried to ask as monotone as possible. If Kuwabara had found a way to heal so quickly from your… passing… and move on enough to find the confidence to ask my sister to marry him, then that was more than enough to show how I was being left in a past time.

"What did you say?" I tried not to show the force and firmness in my voice.

"I told him 'not right now.'" I silently breathed a sigh of relief. "I want to approval of my older brother."

My eyes shot over to her, why would she want that fox? I thought I'd persuaded her to believe he was dead. I suppose that just shows her strong stubbornness… wow I wonder where she gets that.

"You know him being dead might pose a problem."

"Something just tells me that he's not dead, Hiei. I know it probably doesn't make much sense but it just doesn't feel right to believe that." She was right it didn't make much sense.

But then when I think about it, it's king of the same thing as my situation right now; everyone says it, but it's just too hard to believe that you've really left.

"Do you want to know what I think?" After the last speech I gave her about her brother I wouldn't be surprised if she said no. I averted my eyes but I saw her nod with a grand smile.

"I think you should stop believe in that fairy tale, because if you do life will pass by leaving you with so many regrets." Great now not only am I a failure and a horrible friend I can add 'hypocrite' to my list.

"But seeing as I don't think you'll take that advice, I think you should accept his proposal."

She looked at me, confused. I knew exactly what you would tell me, I should tell her now, and as much as the back of my mind told me I shouldn't, I knew it was the right thing to do.

"Your brother would want you to be happy. And you love him, he does make you happy, there's no doubt he would give you his approval." We locked eyes for a long moment, her mouth was slightly open in surprise, then she looked over just as Kuwabara reached the top of the stairs.

"You really think…" I nodded as her voice trailed off. She only smiled then stood up, leaving the shade of the tree to go to the fool.

I watched as she spoke to him, after her few words he smiled and wrapped his arms around her, lifting her off the ground for a moment. I couldn't help grinning Kurama.

I felt good about what I'd done.

I flitted away from the temple before the fool could spot me and get some kind of wrong idea about it. They were finally happy and moving on with their lives, I was happy for them.

But for some reason I felt un-content about living in this one constant time.

A/N: So the second visit went well. When I was writing this I had a story idea that I would really like to see done. I was thinking, 'you know I want to see what Hiei would do if Kuwabara really did make Yukina unhappy.' I'd love to read his actions and if Hiei told Kurama what was happening and the kitsune tried to dissuade him from doing anything. If anyone wants the idea please take it, but I want to read it!!!!!!!! (That's the only payment I want for it)

Please review

_-Forbiddensoul562_


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